Monday, July 28, 2008

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It needed someplace to lie low for awhile.

Not only did the chicken cross the road, but on the way there, he saved two fellow chickens, a duck, and a badly injured guinea hen and was awarded the congressional medal of poultry for his efforts. And that's the truth.

It's not a matter of whether the chicken crosses the road. It how fast we can get the chicken to get to the other side before anyone notices.

Who cares? Chickens been crossin' the damn road before the Pilgrims set foot in this country, and they'll be crossin' the same damn road when there's flyin' cars and colonies on Mars. That's my opinion, an' I been waitin' a long time to say it, that's for sure...

I support the chicken's endeavor to cross the road, but I see no reason why he can't slow down, put the brakes on, as it were. But since it does behoove the chicken to cross the road, I'm not sure why he won't let me join him in doing so. Certainly, I can offer the chicken a great deal of advice and expertise in crossing the road.

Hey - if you don't like the chicken crossing the road - you can move!

Um... whatever Marsha says...

No, you're wrong. The chicken didn't cross the road. And I know that, because I'm a chicken engineer.

I like chicken.

If you count all the feathers, you'll notice that the majority of chicken feathers are from Massachusetts, and that Massachusetts is losing the majority of it's chickens to Across the Road, where the revenue from Tyson and Perdue are, in fact, helping to balance State budgets, offset revenue deficiencies, fund educational incentives, cure world hunger, ensure universal health care and repair that State's crumbling road's and bridges.

I've studied this question long and hard. And from what I've learned, the chicken has been granted the right, by the Federal Government to cross that road and any road it wants. And since it's inevitable that the chicken is going to cross the road, shouldn't we intercept it, while we still can, and put three of our own chickens across the road to do everything Prof. Barrows said? I'm mean, I get it! it's chickens... and a road! It's entertainment!

If the chicken chooses to cross the road, that's certainly his perogative. But if he ever wants to crow in this town again, he may want to rethink that effort and the effect it will have on the rest of the coop.

It's likely in this case that the chicken fears the difference in plumage between itself and a new chicken who he encounters on his own side of the road. In this case, the chicken need not fear, but instead embrace those differences. Unfortunatley, we see here that our chicken's lingering plumage prejudice is abundantly clear - as it chooses to flee from one side of the road to the other in an attempt to escape.

More $$ across road. Who wood blaime him thaat chikn four wanting two mayke a goode lving? LOL! He's the smart one! Lots of money across road. Number #1 on google!

Have you asked yourself why that chicken needs to cross the road? Is it hiding from something? From the other chickens it's no doubt harmed with it's so-called sad excuse for scratching and pecking. Clearly, this chicken is running from something. Perhaps old age? Look at it's breasts - dry, frumpy, overdone. Hardly what anyone of quality would consider an appropriate meal. If anyone ever put that chicken on my table, why I'd sue, that's what I'd do! Have you ever asked yourself why anyone would serve such a poor half baked excuse for a chicken? ...When? When will any of you listen and stop that chicken before it crosses that road for good!

What chicken? What road?

Why can't we all just get along on this side of the road?

Obviously, the chicken took one look at his bobbleheaded cousins on the other side of the road, scratching at crumbs, flapping around in circles, and functioning without their heads - and felt an immediate kinship...

If a chicken, crossing the road at approximately 4 MPH, intercepts a vehicle at, oh say, roughly 50 MHP, which is the designated speed limit on Rte. 44, said chicken would not only suffer life threatening injuries but would also more than likely cause damage to the vehicle and even lead to an accident in which the occupants might suffer bodily harm, or even death. In fact, the chicken itself could become a projectile, potentially lodging itself onto the windshield of a vehicle in the opposite lane, and causing it to swerve into oncoming traffic. Furthermore, as you can see from the graphic below, a chicken faces a particularly difficult and unlikely path in it's efforts to cross the road:

And finally, according to the Center's for Disease Control,

"Avian influenza is an infection caused by avian (bird) influenza (flu) viruses. These influenza viruses occur naturally among birds. There are only three known A subtypes of influenza viruses (H1N1, H1N2, and H3N2) currently circulating among humans. It is likely that some genetic parts of current human influenza A viruses came from birds originally. Influenza A viruses are constantly changing, and they might adapt over time to infect and spread among humans. During an outbreak of avian influenza among poultry, there is a possible risk to people who have contact with infected birds or surfaces that have been contaminated with secretions or excretions from infected birds."

And so, I have just one question for any chicken who thinks he's going to cross the road into my neck of the woods: Original or exra crispy??



H elps

I ndian

C asinos

K ill

E verything

N ice



carverchick said...


OMG...this is why I LOVE your blogs so freaking much! After spending an entire evening going through EIS letters this is exactly what I needed!! I can't remember when I laughed so hard! I can even identify all the flying monkeys by their answers! I think this video has replaced "At the signpost up ahead" for me as my all time favorite.

Most excellent job. Thank you!!!

Jacquie said...

Absolutely hilarious. I love the dead chicken and the gavel...too funny.

I've been checking all day to see if someone was going to blog about the one year anniversary of the STM.

Thanks Gladys, for summing the year up in a very creative way.

Gladys Kravitz said...

Why THANK YOU, ladies!

I was hoping to have something earlier in the week, but technology, the heat, work and family have forced me to commemorate the anniversary of the Town Meeting From Hell a teeney bit late.

As for how I chose to do it... well, since the Middleboro Board of selectmen took the whole process so seriously last year, I felt I should reciprocate in kind.

What a year.

Still here. Still strong. Still NO CASINO!

Happy anniversary,

irish rover said...

Because if you saw me coming you would run too.

Anonymous said...

Too, too funny!
Happy Anniversary for the most pathetic Town Meeting in Middleboro history!
BTW I love chickens!

Middleboro Review said...

Obviously, the chicken was grandstanding!
Great blog!

Anonymous said...

I don't like it, I love it!

Sharon said...

That was brilliant! Love it!

FrankD said...

After being a little skeptical early on about how blogging would work into the goals at cfo. I can honestly say I am 100% sold on blogs. May be if daylight savings time gets extended, I'll even start blogging. Kudos to Glady's and the rest of the Bloggers.

Anonymous said...

Ok, you topped yourself again.
The Selectmen responses, my favorite, you hit a home run on each one. How do you do it??
Oh, I know, you have watched many of the BOS meetings & sadly nothing has gotten any better, the players might change but the program is the same. Sadly but correctly your blog one yr. later is still correct for each BOS. How sad for Middleboro.

Anonymous said...

The chicken TRIED to cross the road but got run over by the CFO bus. The bus is now about to back over the chicken to be SURE it has no chance of crossing this or any other road ever.


cdplakeville said...

LOL!!! That was so funny. You C.R.A.C me up. Your creativity and wit are as infinite as the universe.

janice said...

This was truly inspired! I admire your wit and talent. Please keep it up! I look forward to each blog and video.

social distortion said...

Paul of Tarsus: The chicken does not understand what it does. The chicken does not want to cross the road. It does what it does not want to do, but what it hates to do. Who will save him from this life of road-crossing?!?

dan said...

We just returned from vacation and are getting caught up on all we missed. This is absolutely priceless! My wife and I were roaring over this! Great job, Gladys! You have a wonderful sense of humor and treat the most monstrous conduct with great wit. A gift!

Lola said...

The chicken crossed the road to buy those $500 shoes that match her flowing tail feathers.
Love ya Gladys.

Gladys Kravitz said...

luv ya, too Lola! Love your shoes more.


loretta said...

After very briefly reading the irrational comments on topix, I had to re-read this post thinking I misunderstood or didn't remember clearly. I think this post is hysterical and laughed all over again. I especially love the one about Marsha, the Gavel Queen. How anyone could think her rude treatment of others was acceptable a year later wasn't paying attention last year. She allowed casino supporters to disrupt meetings with cheers and applause, but gavelled everyone else to silence. It appears her only reason for remaining on the BOS is to protect Roger's job because her presence still seems useless otherwise except to advise MiMi.