Friday, July 27, 2007
House of the Rising Sun
Bridgewater, Ma. – In a surprising development in the casino wars, Middleboro’s neighbor to the North, the sleepy college town of Bridgewater shook things up today by announcing that they will become the first town in the nation to host a five star bordello and resort complex.
The historic decision was engineered by local selectmen Mark Oliari and Herb Lemon as a way to offset the more than 1.6 million worth of debt the town currently finds itself in.
Newscenter 5 reporter Jorge Quiroga is live in Bridgewater
Jorge: I’m here with selectman Mark Oliari. Why don’t you tell us about this deal. Is it really going to be a bordello?
Mark: You betcha, Jorge. But so much more! This will be a five-star resort, complete with a water park, world class entertainment, fine dining and yes, a bordello.
Jorge: Well… I guess the obvious question is, how did you manage to sidestep the legal system.
Mark: Well, if I do say so myself, it was brilliant. I was on eBay looking for collectible bobbleheads one evening, when I came across a guy from Europe trying to sell his royal title to the highest bidder. So I e-mailed him and talked him into keeping his title, and opening an embassy here in Bridgewater on 70 acres of town land easily accessible from the highway.
Jorge: And exactly what European country would that be?
Mark: Oh it’s very small. Too small and poor to have an embassy in a city anywhere n the civilized world. It’s the royal principality of Selloutistan.
Jorge: And this is legal?
Mark: Yes. In fact, anything that happens within a foreign embassy can’t be prosecuted – so… it’s a party, and you and everyone else is invited!
Jorge: Um… Ok. So what precisely is Bridgewater getting in the deal?
Mark: This is the best part! We’re getting a cool billion up front, and then $21 million a year, plus 20% of the uh…of the uh… profits forever. We didn’t really know how much money we should ask for, so we just tripled the amount Middleboro negotiated for that casino. What a stupid deal that was, huh?
Jorge: But how is a such a small country going to pay Bridgewater that kind of money?
Mark: Oh, they don’t have those kinds of funds. But the principality has been able to locate a backer, Lance Slagmeister, from out in LA. He’s made a fortune in the adult entertainment film industry and is now looking to expand into other areas. Because let’s face it, gambling brings in a lot of cash. A lot. But it’s nothing but chump change compared to the adult entertainment industry. Just look at what it did for the Internet.
Jorge: I’m here with Mabel Witherspoon, a client of the Bridgewater Nursing Home, just down the street from the proposed bordello.
Mabel: Don't you mean…the five-starr bordello and resort.
Mabel: Just get it right, young man. There's a big difference.
Jorge: Mabel, I understand you’re a huge proponent of this… project. Can you tell us why?
Mabel: Sure, sweetie. I think this is just the best thing ever to happen to this community. We’re never going to have to pay taxes ever ever ever again. And more importantly, they’ll be able to keep the senior center open for longer hours. And you know what else? They tell me that about 20 acres of this place are going to be set aside just for us gals! How about that! It’s been a long time since this old girl got a gander of some decent man-candy.
Jorge: What about the college? Aren’t you worried about the effect of this … project on the young people who go there?
Mabel: Oh heck, no! All those boys are going to be some of the best customers – and the girls – well just look at all the job opportunities!
Jorge: Do you think this … project might be detrimental to families in the area?
Mabel: Oh poppycosh. All I ever hear now on Good Morning America and Dateline NBC is how Internet porn is breaking up families. This will keep them together, if anything.
Jorge: Next to me is Bridgewater resident Gladys Kravitz, who’s already come out against the proposed bordello. Gladys, you look stunned.
Gladys: What do you expect. One day I’m down in Middleboro fighting a casino, and the next I’m back here battling a bordello! It’s as if three months ago I got abducted by aliens and dropped off on Planet Weird.
Jorge: Why’s that?
Gladys: Well… a casino, a bordello – any way you dress it up it’s still just gambling and prostitution.
Jorge: I’m here with Herb Lemon, chairman of the Bridgewater Board of Selectman, Mr. Chairman, how do you respond to the opposition to this… project?
Herb: Oh, they’re nothing but a vocal minority. Nothing to worry about. I’ve gotten rid of the public forum portion of our town meetings anyway, so we won’t have to listen to that downer clap trap anymore.
Jorge: They’re claiming a bordello resort is even worse than a casino in some respects.
Herb: That’s nonsense. When you gamble, you usually lose. But when you leave a bordello, there’s always a smile on your face.
Posted by Gladys Kravitz at 3:49 PM