Thursday, March 13, 2008

Massachusetts: Proud Home of The Lobster Ranch

In response to the Governor Spitzer prostitution scandal the late night news program Nightline dug up and carted out former high-profile Hollywood Madam, Heidi Fleiss to offer her expert testimony as to why prestigious and powerful men often seem so hopelessly drawn to the world’s oldest profession.

At the start of the interview, Terry Moran beamed unabashedly, tickled no doubt at the potential for whatever salacious industry insights Ms. Fliess was poised to provide.

However, only seconds into the interview, the slouching, disdainful one-time madam-to-the-stars opened what turned out to be an unapolegetic potty mouth, and no amount of scrambling on the part of Moran could successfully redirect the vulgar expert testimony - proving once again that no matter how sophisticated the sex business often tries to portray itself, it really just isn’t.

But in between Moran's efforts to squeeze something more from Fleiss than merely her blunt, one-sentence theory of mankind's inability to embrace monogamy, Heidi said something really quite remarkable.

According to Heidi, State governments were making a big mistake by not legalizing prostitution. In fact they were missing the boat on a perfectly good revenue stream!

Hey! Where have I heard something like this before?

“Look at Nevada!” she exclaimed, pointing out the infamous Bunny Ranch as a model of success.

And then it all becomes clear.

States should legalize prostitution because obviously everyone’s already doing it anyway.

...So why not sell licenses? But do it right That's the key!

Offer them to organized professional entertainment establishments. Five star deluxe resort brothels - just like the Bunny Ranch. Have states regulate them to make sure all is on the up and up. Tax a percentage of the revenue. Just think of all the jobs! Why, it’s an economic engine! One where you can really get a bang for your buck.

And isn’t that what we're all being lead to believe a revenue stream ought to be?

Take something currently illegal, slap the word ‘deluxe’ or 'resort' on it, package it as fun, sell it to the masses, say it will solve all your problems, stick it out in the country away from large voting blocs, convince them it's inevitable anyway, and do it all before anyone realizes they could soon be raising their kids next to one.

And voila! You’ve built Fort Knox in your own backyard.


Well, apparently, Heidi Fleiss and our own Governor Deval Patrick share a vision.

But I suppose, once you lower your standards, that’s bound to happen.


Anonymous said...

An elegant brothel in every town center! Now there's an idea!
Gladys, your humor is always appreciated.

carverchick said...

This state needs to get a three brothel plan in place pronto -- one in western MA, one in southeast MA and one in northeast MA before NH or RI beat us to it and take all of our revenue!